Sunday, November 8, 2009

A postcard from suburbian Tokyo

Ok, for the first time ever, let me introduce an accidental guest blogger here on the page. I mean "accidental" since he wrote it as a comment on this post but I thought it was too funny and insightful to be hid away just in the comments, so after getting the agreement from my man Chris, here it comes in full glory:

"My next door neighbor murdered her husband 15 years ago by poison* and everyone seems to know it. She has a English Juku next to my Eikaiwa and she has never once...not one single time mumbled a word of English.6 years and not a peep no matter how simple mundane or insignificant the occasion. She has ice water in her veins. She looks at me like she wishes I were dead and my School was burned to the ground.He was creamated and the oldest daughters claims of knowing about the poison were never followed up.She still gets student....but then do

The chiropractic clinic 2 houses down has had 2 seperate people fall into a roadside river and die (1 drunk old man who used to yell and scream and make a fuss. He was too old to beat down and then 3 months ago a woman going to the supermarket behind my house fell and died at the same spot in the river) This is at the edge of the driveway to the clinic. I can't believe anyone still goes near there? The city rigged up a small cable to block people from trying to step over that river from the corner of that driveway which is about 2 dead people too late.I was asked after both incidents...weeks later to recall where I was on the evenings in question.

I wonder if they asked my other neighbor...across the street and about 8 houses down...the Yakuza lieutenant who rolls in a Benz but has old school type vibes (in a good way) He always say's "Chris subarashi" when he sees the Christmas lights display and he is the most normal of all my neighbors. Or did the cops ask the laundrymat across from Yakuza that has no customers except for tattoo sporting Yaks getting their shirts pressed?Or the REALLY creepy old lady directly across from me who teaches Japanese tea ceremony and once told an adult student of mine that I had a black aura and she should stay away from me (thanks creepy cult member neighbor lady)If you wanted to be a serial killer Japan would be the place to be. These cops are fucking clueless,old or indifferent."

*Note: Just in case this person actually knows English and is cyberstalking Chris and is looking for people to sue for slander, I would just make it clear that it's obvious that Chris is joking here and that it's so clear that he really doesn't mean that anyone murdered anyone, why would anyone murder anyone in the first place, doesn't really make sense


Chris said...

Thanks for the disclaimer :)

I wouldn't want any "husband/man killers" thinking I was referring to them.

(Translated to English by my student who told it)

Husband: (sitting at kitchen table near the fridge watching boat races and betting by phone) "I need a beer!!!"

Wife: (washing husbands clothes in another room barely in earshot) "Can you please wait a moment?"

Husband:(walks to washroom, smacks wife on back of head, grabs her by the neck, walks her to the kitchen and tells her to open the fridge and then take out a beer and put it on the table after which he calls her a Japanese slang meaning "filthy dog" and warns her to not talk back again)

I have a School with mostly girls and women as students. I have heard tons of milder but similar stories from the 30-50ish crowd. They have a lot of deep hate towards men and it would not surprise me at all if the most prolific serial killer in history were a woman and she was Japanese. It would not surprise me at all.

My fake neighbor would not qualify as she never remarried and has only killed once.

Me said...

WelL Chris IS a foriegner and the neighbors say he is suspicious, so if I was a cop I would check him out.

By the way, in the first paragraph you end by saying "...but then again so do I" That statement alone is highly incriminating as it leads one to suspect that you also poison, kill and pUrsue other heinUs activities.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr. Salaryman said...

Hey hey hey, please be nice here now. I don't think "Me" meant anything more than to lightly joke about it and nothing more. I don't want the comment section to turn into a battle ground here.

And yeah, Chris, you make your students translate some interesting things ;) Kinda sad though if that's the environment he/she lives in...
Salaryman: (sitting at kitchen table near the fridge watching tv, thinking it's worth a try) "I need a beer!!!"
Ms Sunshine: "So?"
Salaryman: (meekly)"Just to give you a heads up, I'm getting it now..."

Chris said...

That was my "nice" :)

Seriously though...
Sorry Bro! My bad! I love your Blog and I'm sorry to write something dumb. (even if it was honest feelings, I coulda e-mailed him privately which would have been more mature) please delete my comment if you think it best.

And yeah..
Unless all the sharp and blunt items are accounted for and your sure there have been no increased pay out addendum's on your life insurance policy , "getting your own beer" would be the safest bet ;)

Chris said...

"WelL Chris IS a foriegner and the neighbors say he is suspicious, so if I was a cop I would check him out.

Blah blah blah...

***That's me mimicking you sans the receding hairline and head shaped like fat thumb...I do my best though :)***

heinUs?? I beat the shit outta a lot of people including some chimpiras (with big mouths and a staring problem) in my area. One of the stories reached the local newspaper where I was identified by name. I had 40 students then. I now have 107 which is all I can handle by myself. Apparently my teaching kicks ass too and the old adage that says "there's no such thing as BAD advertising" applies in the Japanese inaka too. :)

Please forgive if I missed some kind of dry wit which I have never done before....I think.

***I deleted 1 very nasty and then a less nasty for this final not so nasty version. Sorry for my poor comment etiquette***

Martin said...

It seems to me that Chris is just afraid of nice old neighborhood ladys. Blending them in with some scary Yaks to make it sound dangerous.

Mr. Salaryman said...

Hey Martin, be careful around Chris, but yeah, I'd really like to see you/him/Chris teaching on of those chinpira a lesson (I find that stare with the half open mouth so obnoxious!)

Joshua Zimmerman said...

That picture is horrible! Horrible but amazing!

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