Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Commuter Terrorists - The Dive Bomber

When he comes crashing down...
One of the most valuable things that you can hope to achieve in the commuter hell is an available seat. Having a seat means that you are shielded from the battle raging back and forth among the poor sods standing in front of you. A seat can mean the difference between a horrible ride and a reasonably comfortable one. The Sleeper Agents may try to invade your space, but they are reasonably easy to repel most of the time.

Having a seat usually gives two hands free to pick up the iPad, book, gaming device or phone to read a magazine, book, play a game or watch a movie compared to how both hands often are needed when standing just to be able to remain standing due to the ebb and flow of the passengers as the train accelerates, brakes, twist and turn. The seat is sacred and worth fighting for. Experienced Subway Warriors know this and respect what the seat stands for and the personal space it provides.

However, one Commuter Terrorist that you can encounter is the Dive Bomber... The Dive bomber sees an open seat next to you, often an available seat with limited space between two sitting Subway Warriors. The Dive Bomber turns around and very ungracefully dumps his ass (female Dive Bombers are very rare as most a larger than average body size is required) with horrible accuracy, half ending up in your lap with quite some force, before he roughly goes ahead to squeeze himself down in the seat. Sometimes some Terrorists starts off as Dive Bombers and when comfortably squeezed in the seat, turn into Sleeper Agents...

On the other hand, inexperienced commuters can often be identified by how carefully they check behind them (often profusely apologizing) and lower their behind in slow-motion, careful to not accidentally touch any of the passengers on either side of the seat they are targeting. These amateurs are slightly annoying but at least try to do their best to not invade any personal space.

However a true Subway Warrior has perfected the sitting down into a work of art. You can tell an experienced Subway Warrior from the way he/she sits down in a seat with limited space. Basically the move from standing to basically pouring oneself down in the seat in one fluid motion, quickly and if brushing the persons on either side ever so slightly, quickly compensating to just pour into place.

For those of you reading this and are dedicated to the Way of the Subway Warrior, my advice to you on how to master the art of sitting down on the train is: 


Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like Teflon. Empty your mind, be formless, frictionless — like Teflon. Be Teflon, my friend. 


7 comments:

SusieTron FiveThousand said...

I shudder to think what kind of butt cheesy stench emanates from a man that large in a subway train or street car. NASTY! Especially if it has been a warm day. I would die if I got dive bombed, quite literally.

hardkoretom said...

If you think thats bad, I rode the bus last year and sat a good 5 seats away from a homeless man, who was just riding the bus for something to do. He smelled way past where I was sitting. I saw the look on the faces of the people who had to sit next to him because there wasn't anywhere else. Priceless!

kathrynoh said...

I'm a dive bomber! I use my girth for the greater good (my own).

Are you going to cover the pointy elbow Japanese girl in this series? I swear some of those tiny girls can manage to take up more seat room than a fat man!

Chris said...

He's a safety hazard. I'd have to decide if I should head straight to the emergency exit before he jams it up or put him in a choke hold and put him to sleep and be a hero...in case of an emergency event :)

kamo said...

This is me, quite often. But when there are five people on a bench seat clearly designed for six it's totally justified. No matey, shift your arse over. Don't just pretend that you don't notice the extra six inches seat space either side of you.

Martin said...

I sat on a guys hand once. He had plenty of time to move it out of the way. I guess you'll cover the "Perverted partisan" commuter some day...

Will said...

I had a dream that started out as a nightmare where I was about to be jammed into a commuter train, but then I emptied my mind and became formless, frictionless... almost like Teflon.

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