Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Life, Death and Murder in the Chiba Suburbs

"...and when I'm finished, bring the yellow tape

To tape off the scene of the slaughter"
A while back we had a tragic incident in our neighborhood as the husband of one of our neighbors apparently passed away in a car accident, leaving the wife and young kids behind (granted, the source of the info was the infamous Mama Mafia so he might as well have run of to support the uprising in north Africa for all I know). As sad as it might sound we had no real connection to the family as the accident happened just at the time they were about to move in and we only met them once when they came around for greetings with towels (yes, so we had an ominous feeling from the start). So the house has remained empty for more than a year and we really didn't think about it much more than the occasional talk about whether someone new would move in or not.

Then the other day a cleaning crew was at their house and was sorting out the jungle that the garden had turned into making it likely that something is about to happen with the house. The conversation I had with Mrs. Sunshine went something like this:

Salaryman: I guess they'll sell the house, the wife probably need the money for herself and the kids now that the husband is gone?
Mrs. Sunshine: (matter of factly) Actually there was an insurance included in the contract, so if the breadwinner dies the insurance pays off the loan, so she should be ok.
Salaryman:(surprised) Huh? That's great actually, I didn't realize that but good to know that you and the baby don't have to struggle with that if anything would happen to me.
Mrs. Sunshine: (neutral) Yeah, I thought so too...

(a few seconds of ominous silence)

Salaryman: (jokingly, on the surface) So I guess I should be a bit careful, huh?
Mrs. Sunshine: (not letting anything show) Why?
Salaryman: Well, if you would murder me you could get a lot of money through that insurance!
Mrs. Sunshine: (immediately without a second of hesitation) Yeah, I totally know, but I just don't wanna go to jail?
Salaryman:(feeling constructive) Well you could murder me in a sneaky way, I would totally murder me if I were you! Why not some rare poison that the police is too dumb to figure out?
Mrs. Sunshine: (thoughtfully) That's true... I guess I could do it smart without getting caught...

(another few seconds of uncomfortable silence)

Salaryman: (nervously) Hey! I'm only joking here, you wouldn't murder me, right?!
Mrs. Sunshine: (a bit too long pause before speaking) Of course not, I would never murder you, I love you (big smile)

From now on Toddler Sunshine will have a bit of everything I eat, just to be safe. The whiskey and chili oil might be a tad bit too early for her, but it's for the common good!


TheOctopus said...

Don't you think it's cruel to feed chili oil to a toddler?

Eva said...

You're joking about the chili oil right? Hahaha... hmm... you both are insured right!?

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA...Beware of pointy, sharpy and gunpowdery things around the house...get rid of pillows that can smother you while you sleep and...oh drag, nearly everything can kill you man...even a falling stack of frail are we humnas anyhow?! Well, better just embrace the idea and not dwell to much on it...You can always create a device that makes your heart beat a detonator to something on babysunchine :P

kathrynoh said...

If this was Cluedo, I'd be saying Mrs Salaryman in the library with the chilli oil. It's totally going to be the chilli oil that gets you.

Corinne said...

I won't lie, as the chances of us buying a house in Japan increase I have googled 'how to kill your husband so it looks like an accident' but I figure if Casey Anthony got off for her google searches I may have a good chance, I should give mrs Sunshine some tips!

Chris said...

(another few seconds of uncomfortable silence)

Oh man..

I bet that second moment of awkward silence was MUCH worse than the first one.

@Corinne. You should use internet cafe computers for searches like that just incase the desire for a new house grows so strong that you decide to take your kid for a walk while the home your in now accidentally catches fire and kills everyone you loathe.

Dreams are nice but you should prepare properly.
**cover your tracks**


Martin said...

Write everything in your will to me. That will hopefully stop her evil plans.

She had clearly been thinking of this for some time.

pjk said...

You reap what you sow, Mr. Salaryman. You might want to hide that book on cannibalism you bought ways back. :P

aimlesswanderer said...

Having watched lots of movies, you should make it clear that a document stating your concerns about departing before your time, and an altered will, requiring exhaustive poison testing, has been given to several individuals, and which will be sent to the courts if anything happens to you.

Mr. Salaryman said...

Octopus - Hey, where have you been lately? Your witty comments are sorely missed ;)

Octopus and Eva - Well, maybe you guys are right, I'll mix it up with some whiskey to take the edge off!

Canthus - Yeah, I might need to step very carefully from now on...

Kathrynoh - Well, when it comes the chili oil, maybe she doesn't even need to poison it, it'll probably clog my arteries very well without any extra effort ;)

Corinne - I just googled "how to kill your husband" and got the chills when I saw the amount of hits... Living is indeed very very dangerous!

Chris - Well, and just wait until Toddler Sunshine is old enough to figure out that if she gets rid of both of us, she gets everything for herself! Like they say "paranois is knowing all the facts"...

Martin - Well, then you'd just come over here and kill me, I'm too smart for a ruse like that!

PJK - Oh yeah, what did I ever do with that book and did I ever finish reading it? Now you made me feel like searching for it!

Aimless - Good idea! And a few attorneys with the story of my life that will be sent out to newspapers in the event of my untimely death!

aimlesswanderer said...

Yes, you should write several draft stories about how you were poisoned/shot/"went missing never to be seen again", with plenty of references to how awesome you were. The paper will surely just print the literary treasure verbatim.

Related Posts with Thumbnails