Yes, I am a salaryman

When I travel in business here in Japan and find myself on the Shinkansen train heading back to Tokyo in the evening I like to have a beer or two. I find it very relaxing and refreshing after a tiring business trip to chill out on the moving train with a beer.

This is very Salaryman-ish and a casual look over any passengers in a suit at the post 6pm train will show that most salarymen chose this approach.

Drinking beer on the train home from work gives you 1 Salaryman point. However, drinking a "one cup Ozeki" cup of Japanese sake gives you 5 salaryman points. This is the pinnacle of salaryman-ishness and mixing it up with some dried squid gives 2 bonus points.

I hope and dream that even Ｉ, can one day reach these heights of salaryman-ishness...

Did you get us anything?

As often as is the case here in Japan, some of the nicest customs can also be among the most annoying. I'm talking about the "Omiyage", the gift giving tradition of local souvenirs. Now, in general, this is a pretty nice custom, a friend of yours or someone goes somewhere and brings back something small for you. I like giving gifts to family and friends as much as the next guy and freely admit that I adhere to this customer, in Japan and also outside Japan.

However, again, this can easily spin out of control. Recently I have had to travel a bit nationally in my work and an unnerving custom has developed in the company where people on national business trips bring back something edible for the whole office to try out from their destination. I just simply refuse to do this, it's bad enough that I have to go to stupid Hiroshima for a stupid appointment which I didn't particularly enjoyed or even wanted to go to in the first place and the only place I saw except for taxis and train stations were the meeting location. But I'm not gonna spend 1000~ yen of my own hard-earned money buying snacks for people who didn't really care about it anyway. This was the way things used to be, only controlled gift-giving within the office.

Somewhere in the company during my departure a paradigm shift happened and people started buying stupid (they're usually not good to begin with) snacks from all over the place and placing them in the cafe space. But I refuse to play along, I just don't bring back anything and I'm hoping to create a counter-culture to stop this excessive snack purchasing.

The exception is when I've been on overseas business trips since the general image in most people's minds seem to be that that's all fun and games, so to somehow lessen the envy a little bit I usually bring back some local snacks (most recently Crocodile and Kangaroo jerky, which for some reason remained uneaten for weeks at end, the ungreatful pigs and sows...).

Just say "NO", it's that easy!

Cold and miserable

Japan is still cold and miserable with the only bright light being that there has been no snow so far this winter, which in turn means that I do not have to burst a blood vessel due to Tokyoites incompetency in the proper use of an umbrella. Currently I have no escape plan, but feel the urgency to start making some contingency plans to take Ms. Sunshine under my arm and get somewhere warm for a few days to try and recharge the batteries and get rid of this annoying winter cold that I end up carrying around for days at end.

On the work front things have been calm, no lack of stupidity, but a certain lack of funny stupidity at the moment, however, with overseas management coming in to inspect the operations in the near future I am sure that there will be plenty of comedy material coming up as certain people in the organization will scramble for attention and others will do their best to cover up what they're doing.

If you live in Europe or the US and is suffering from the winter, keep in mind that you should be thankful that isolation and central heating is concepts that are understood over there at least...

Feed the hunger!

Now, I've lived in Japan for almost ten years by now and I'm pretty familiar with most aspects of the Japanese cuisine and snack culture. I have been aware of the Japanese rice cracker snack "senbei" for a long time and have mildly liked to the extent that I ate one if I got one put in front of me, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get one and never ever purchased any of these rice cookies.

However, Ms. Sunshine started purchasing senbei as snacks and without thinking about it especially I started eating them and started to actually purchasing them and developing preferences in terms of brands and flavors. One of my favorite brands quickly became the chili spiced Tarako cracker that Ms. Sunshine introduced me to. And I was completely horrified the day the local supermarket stopped carrying this brand I had come to love (it was the chili that got me really hooked), for weeks I scavenged throught the senbei section hoping that it would make a glorious comeback but with no luck, instead settling for lesser brands without the kick of the chili...

A recent excursion to another supermarket found me another supply outlet, the catch is that it's pretty far away compared to my next door supermarket, but I did buy a considerable amount of stock when I found it (in fact, I'm eating one now). If you never got into the senbei deal, give it a try, I'm hooked now and at least it's better than cookies and chips!

(the picture shows my favorite brand!)

A phone call I received last week…

Mr. Salaryman: Yes? (Not particularly polite since the direct number is not officially disclosed)
Old Man: Yes, hello, I was calling about the piano?
Mr. Salaryman: (Briefly sharping, realizing that it could be a customer transferred wrongly to me) Yes, hello, this is Mr. Salaryman speaking.

Old Man: Yes, I was wondering about the piano…?

Mr. Salaryman: (Confused and wondering if he heard wrong) Piano? You have reached a company specialized in devices for surgery of the XYZ, are you sure you called the right number?

Old Man: Oh? Surgical equipment, that sounds very serious?

Mr. Salaryman: Yes, I would say it is…

Old Man: So you can’t do anything about the piano?

Mr. Salaryman: No… I don’t think so, are you sure you called the right number?

Old Man: I called the number they gave me…

...Silence…

Old Man: So you can’t do anything about the piano?

Mr. Salaryman: No, I am afraid that we cannot do anything about that. We make surgical equipment.


...Silence…

Old Man: I see…


...Silence…

Old Man: Well thank you then, I probably should check the number.

Mr. Salaryman: Yes, I think you should probably do that, thank you very much and see you soon!

Inspiring the troops!

As is custom in most corporate environments, in Japan and in other countries as well, I would believe, at the start of the new year it is customary for the management of the company to outline the strategy for the year ahead of us and highlight any challenges or changes that we will face. As was done in my little company.

Mr. Schachou had gathered the whole company and held a presentation about what we had to do in the year ahead of us, and it’s no doubt that we have some pretty big challenges in front of us for 2009. His presentations are at least not the dull boring type, usually very energetic and full of hyperbole that can at time be pretty exhausting and painful to be subjected to. But this time he actually managed to keep himself on the reasonable side and it was a comparatively inspiring presentation that at least did not worsen the morale in the company. Everything was going surprisingly well and he finished up his presentation and was probably satisfied with the look of the people’s faces as he finished.

Then he did it… Inspired, he added a “Don’t worry, we can do this because… I am your leader!”. A brief second of silence followed after which the whole room erupted in laughter and shaking of heads. For a second or two Mr. Schachou looked a bit fluttered but then quickly decided that it was best to laugh with everyone. The corporate lesson in here is that you should probably stop while you are ahead…

Sound advice

A friend (male) of mine recently assisted in translation during an interview with a (female) Japanese pornstar. During the interview he got some really good advice from her that I would like to take this opportunity to share with you all:

• If you get jizz in your eyes, you should wash it out with milk since it removes the sting you would otherwise feel

• If you happen to be in a situation where you will be required to ingest large amounts of jizz, it is advisable to drink some soda water beforehand since it will lessen the sickness you might otherwise feel

Good advice and you just never know when it might come in handy!

"Happy new year to you too!"

One of the more annoying things about getting back to work is the excessive “Happy New Year” greeting that you have to perform. It is compulsory, to greet each and everyone you meet in the office through saying “Happy new year, hope we can work well together this year too” (in Japanese: 明けましておめでとうございます。本年度もよろしくお願いします) and give a little bow.

Now, this might not sound too bad, but when you’re meeting the 20th something person and have to go throw these motions it gets pretty old and when you do it for the 40th time in the day you just wish that there was a more efficient way of getting all those greetings out of the way. The enthusiasm and the angle of the bow decrease significantly over time…

And it doesn’t really end here like you might think, even in the coming weeks I have to deal with the stragglers that I for one reason or another didn’t meet during this week and go through all the motions again. In a few weeks the invisible barrier will be reached and you don’t have to bother with this particular greeting at least for another year…

In with the new, out with the old!

After a new year's vacation that contained among other things, Kansai-ben, a hostile cat, Japanese traditional new year's food, fever, a happy poodle and such things, I am now back at Salaryman HQ in Tokyo enjoying the comparative warmth of my apartment compared to the house I stayed at in Osaka (I slept with 6 blankets...).

But now we have left the glorious year of the mouse behind us and are now entering the glorious year of the cow and to follow my tradition, I thought I should summarize the year for your convenience.

Biggest revelation of 2008 was me discovering the Arrested Development sitcom (I know, it took me a while) and getting in on the fun. It strongly competes with the British The Office as the best sitcom ever.

Best Toy of 2008 is still God-Jesus, that this toy, over 25+ years after it was created still captures this position is a testament to the genius of this toy that can amuse old and young alike. Everyone should have one.

Worst Disease of 2008 is without doubt the crippling cold I had to endure during the new year's holidays and I've still not completely recovered from.

Best Gift of 2008 was the wonderful raindeer robber/rapist/wrestler mask that I found in a store here.

Although I did not have any new revolutionary musical findings in 2008 there were solid albums released by some of my favorite artists such as Tiamat, Universal Poplab, Thermostatic among others.

Wish you all a happy 2009 and as is customary to say here in Japan; "Yoroshiku onegai itashimasu!", hope to see you around here in the future as well!

A dignified life

It never goes wrong... Every time I get some well deserved vacation, my body decides it's time to relax and let that nasty cold in, full blown. Somehow, my work stressed body has been keeping the germs at bay, but completely surrendering and giving in as vacation approaches.

This means that I have spent the latest days down and out in pretty high fever, receiving palliative care from the always lovely Ms. Sunshine, begging to be put out of my misery. Not only has this resulted in a pretty uncomfortable and miserable couple of days, but has also resulted in the cancellation of a minor vacation trip. Although I think my body will have recoved to the extent that some travel will be possible from tomorrow, so the vacation will not be completely wasted at least.

This year's new year's celebrations will be more leaning towards the Japanese style of celebration, something which I have actually never really experienced before. I have been told that there will be no champange.

For all of you out there with no specific plans for the new year's eve, I would like to take this opportunity to recommend watching either the original "Planet of the Apes", "Road House" or "Next of Kin" together with a big fat whiskey. Something that sounds very appealing to me in my current condition...

Merry Christmas to you all!

Today, I was thinking of posting something about how Christmas is celebrated in Japan with all the fried chicken, romantic dates and all that stuff, but I can't really be bothered. Then I was going to post about how immensly annoying it can be to take one day off from work and be met by over a hundred e-mails in the inbox on Christmas Eve when I get back in the office, but I can't really be bothered with that either.

So instead I will just wish you all a very merry christmas and if any of you are still not in the proper Christmas mood you can always listen to the wonderful Christmas song here and you are sure to get in the Christmas mood in no time!

Merry Christmas!

This one's pretty awesome too!

As a follow up to my much appreciated series about supervillains with awesome names I would like to follow up he "Awesome Threesome" with the "Awesome Android". He is genuinely awesome and the fantastic tag team he has with the Mad Thinker gives a synergetic effect to the awesomeness!

Truly awesome!

That time of year again!

Yep, it's that time of year again... The "bounenkai" season, the last stretch before the new year's break. I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, this would be the year when we didn't go all out drinking, trying to forget the year... After all, at the new year's party we all were happy and toasted to the new year that we hoped would bring plenty of joy and good news...

But it wasn't to be this time either... Once again we are planning our events to forget about the year that has been here in Japan. As corporate Japan is drawing to a close, restaurants all across Tokyo will be packed with Salarymen desperately trying to forget the year that has been and early 2009 they will once again huddle together to drink to the new, and surely, better year that lies ahead of them.

Thankfully, this year I think I only have to do this deal three times with three different groups, an improvement from earlier!

(On my way home today I, for some reason, started listening to :Wumpscut: and "Soylent Green" on my iPod and about 2 minutes into the song I realized why this music is more suitable for young finnish people with a desire to shoot up their school than salarymen and quickly changed to a The Cure cover album featuring crappy German goth artists, in the end I settled with the Parappa the Rapper soundtrack and felt good about it. Is it only me who think that that car song is funky?)

The "Gyaku-Gire" technique

Now, this is not a unique Japanese technique, I’m sure, but just the fact that it is usual enough to have an own name makes it very useful to know and something to strive to master. The basic premise of a good "Gyaku-Gire" (逆切れ) is to be unjustified angry at someone who has a justified beef with you and it is often utilized in the work place. Directly translated it would mean something as “inverted anger outburst” (Ok, I’m sure there’s better alternatives out there, but whatever).

Let me give you an example here of how this can be used in the corporate setting:
Peon A (being pissed angry that the report he was promised is over a week delayed): Where is that report? You promised me it a week ago and I’ve seen nothing!?
Peon B (being very well aware that he should’ve done it but has spent his time reading up on horse racing online instead) What?! If that report is so important you shouldn’t have asked me, because Peon C asked me to compile data for him and his project (this hasn’t been done either, but the general thinking is to set Peon A and C against each other).
Peon A: (Successfully Gayku-Gire:ed into submission, anger gone): Oh… Ok… Can I have it by next week then?
Peon B: (Impatient) I’ll try.

Also, I have a real life true example of a very successful Gyaky-Gire from a supervisor to a subordinate, one which I aim to utilize someday too:
Peon A: (Angry, tired and pissed off about workload and other team members not pulling their weight) I’m really tired, I’m doing this and that, you need to do something!
Boss A: (Sudden outburst of anger, almost shouting) How do you think I feel?! I’ve been dead inside for a year.
Peon A (Successfully Gyaku-Gire:ed into submission, speechless): Oh, ok… I’ll get back to it then…

All your US Navy base are belong to us

Recently I had my first excursion to a real life US military base here in Japan. Not any base, but the largest base in Japan; the Yokosuka navy base. It was an almost surreal experience, as me and Ms. Sunshine merrily walked from the station to the actual base and as we gradually got closer, signs, menus etc. started appearing in English and not only in Japanese. It felt a bit strange to see a noodle ship with the menu items rudimentary laid out in English and posts for apartments in the usual Japanese style, but all in English.

After being roughly told off by men with guns to wait a few meters away from the entrance we waited for our military friend to pick us up and guide us through the necessary paperwork needed to gain entrance to the base. Fortunately, since the US has not yet labeled Sweden as a part of the axis of evil and Japan is a close strategic military ally we could quickly go through the process and avoid being sent to Guantanamo. My key concern at the base was to avoid being shot by any of the military personnel since, even though the base is located on Japanese soil and lies under Japanese law, the US military has jurisdiction over any crimes committed by military personnel on the base, which theoretically means that I could have gotten the New York style Haitian immigrant treatment without any repercussions to the shooters if they were smooth enough.

The actual base struck me as remarkably unremarkable, it looked less than my expectations of a military base and more like an immigrant heavy suburb to Stockholm, minus the graffiti and with only white buildings. Somewhere around my fifth question to my host regarding under which conditions the guards would actually shoot at me and what actions on my behalf could get him court-martialed (since we were allowed in under his responsibility) Ms. Sunshine started to get worried about what I actually had in mind to do and stopped any further inquiries into this fascinating subject.

As we reached the on-base shopping center and our main destination things started to get surreal for real. It felt like we had been dropped in the middle of a boring small US shopping mall and not like we still were in Japan at all. Moving around the area were mostly western people with just a few Japanese people and at the entrance of the store they had even brought in one of those huge cumbersome and defect prone US style soda machines and as added measure, it only accepted US dollars.

As we entered the store, the illusion was complete. The nowadays familiar Japanese brands were nowhere in sight and the selection of everything from candies, clothes to DVD movies were the same as we had been in a US store. Even the Japanese brands they did carry were obviously “imported and then exported back to Japan” with English packaging. Since we usually do not have this kind of access to western product brands and also adding that the prices were both cheap to begin with and also tax-free, a minor shopping spree was initiated. The most prominent and important purchase was probably the full set of Arrested Development DVDs since my previously bought pirated copies were wearing a bit thin.

I guess this is the closest you can get to a day trip to the US here in Japan and it was an interesting experience.